18.09.2026
It's friday, it's september, the first day of three days long totally fair and open election process. War is still going on and my mom back at home sometimes wakes up at night from the sound of sirens (and honestly that's still better than it could be). But I thrive regardless.
Let me tell you what miracles are happening to my mental health. First I gotta mention what opposite of miracles were happening earlier in my life, but just let me safe us both some time and just trust me, I was not in a good place. After some life turns I found myself de-facto disabled, fully dependant on my partner and my parents, with no degree and no friends, spending my days plaing fortnite for hours, working as an online math tutor few hours a week for an unfairly low wage. Most of that hasn't changed. After losing critical amont of muscle tissue due to lack of movement caused by depression I have trained myself a little and now I only get tired after sitting for an hour, which is much more than five minutes like before. I feel my body moving and i feel less pain and all of that is a result of my work. Which gives me a great feeling, not gonna lie. I still can't do a lot of things but at least I can stand long enough to make a dinner and not get exausted. That was the first thing on the list, the next one is dependancy, and that's still true, things haven't changed much here. Though, we got a hamster so at least I'm now responsible for someone myself. Next thing is I made friends online so at least I have someone to talk to now, and I'm on the second year of university (again), but this time it's all online so it's easier. I have new hobbies now, probably too many, but more on that later. And I still work at the same place but at the same time I work for myself, so two of my kids bring me almost three times more for an hour than I'm being paid there. That's about it. Life is terrible, future is terrifying, we barely have money for food and it's not even the end of the month, and our hamster just won't stop sneezing for varios reasons, threating to spend the rest of our money on a vet appointment. But at least the serotonin and dophamine in my brain are working and I feel genially good.
But all of that is not the reason why I started this journal. It's just the context, if you want to get to know me better. Actually, the reason I'm writing this is that I have a thing I need to brag about as much as possible. Two things actually. First is the one I'm not quite sure about and I still don't believe that it is actually happening, but I guess a couple of my poems might actually get printed in a book somewhere in Europe? It's a poetry and art collection named "Transition", and it understands transition in various abstract ways, such as gender transitioning and crossing the road and even a metaphorical transformation of a character. And... I apllied this summer and of course I hoped they would accept at least one of the poems I've send them and for now I only saw my name in a final list of authors and they should contact me and that's all I know. Anyway I get all shaky and I feel tears coming up as I write this, so I guess that means I'm happy. Of course I'm happy, that's so cool! God I hope I got it right and it's not just a misunderstanding.
Second thing is much more real. So, it's friday, as I said. September. My mom came visiting in august, she took me and my partner in museums and on walks and as a result we were so exausted we barely had time on anything but rest and food. And yeah, I got a gift on my birthday from my mom, it was a brand new laptop, and it has a pretty weak video-chip and a really fast processor. So I still can't play those stupid train simulators but work should feel much better now. So I'm not complaining. As a result I spent about three weeks straight downloading all the videogames I liked and playing them, and having fun. I stumbled upon one particularly cool game, Wheel world, it's one of my favorite games of all time now. And as cool and fun it was for my inner kid, as bad it was for my other hobbies.
Let's make a poorly organised list of all the hobbies I have right now. It's writing novels, writing poetry, drawing with coloring pencils, drawing with graphite pencils (which is very different) drawing with watercolors (again, since it's another instrument it feels different), drawing in digital (I made like a couple of drawings for now and I have a lot to learn), collages (digital and on paper), sewing cute little things, solving math problems from textbook on advanced math (school level, I'm not that smart) and this exact website. So... I... might... have... found... another one?
Once again, it's friday, and this week on a regular monday I got hit in the head with a sudden thought to download Godot. I was looking at games online, nothing got my attention, I got bored and went on Itch.io, there I stumbled upon an interactive course on GDscript, which appeared to be like 90% python, which I unfortunately had to learn last year to get to this university. And unfortunately it's very easy to download Godot and it's very easy to use, and what's even more unfortunate is that there was a great nine hours long tutorial on it, and I easily went through like four or five first hours and learnd a couple of things. So unfortunately for myself and my sleep schedule I got this idea to make a little game all on my own to train all of that I have already learned. And then another unfortunate thing: I happened to have expirirence with pixel art previosly so I could draw all the sprites myself. And unfortunately I got so invested in this idea I spent the whole day working on it. And long story short - I have made a game.
It's a small 10*10 maze, nothing amaizing (see the wordplay?). I also drew a new chepuha page yesterday so it's not like I abandoned drawing completely but like... I have an unfinished chanterelle that I was sewing, and an unfinished drawing of a snake. I haven't finished a novel I was writing this winter! And I only need to add a last chapter and the edit the text! It's like most of the work is already done and I just don't have time for it! I can't keep up with my own hobbies and I still have like 8 hours of work and the whole december I will be busy with exams at uni, and I still need to sleep for at least eight hours a day and I have a pretty fluffy girl that needs to be walked on a couch every other day and her cage has to be cleaned occasionally. It's even weird how busy I am now almost all the time.
About that little ball of fur now. We got her on my birthday, not as a present, that was a coincidence. We called her Usya. Not only because a whisker in russian is "us", where "u" sounds like in "took" (english is weird, it's not even the same letter), but also because "usisivač" is a vacuum cleaner in serbian, and this little thing is vacuuming every piece of food she finds to stack it at home. We are terrible hamster owners, btw. When we got her we thought that a little cage will be not perfect but fine, so she had to live in a tiny cage for a whole week while we were desperately looking for a bigger one, that we could buy as fast as possible. She is still in a cage that is too small for her, but we have already found the one that is almost perfect in size and cheap enough for us to get it to the end of the month. So yeah, my little girl will live as a princess in a castle soon, but now I feel so bad for her I get physically sick. Anyway, she looks happy and healthy. I really hope all the mistake we already made won't harm her in the long run.
That's pretty much all I have on my mind today. It's also the first year I'm working with high schoolers and that makes me excited, and a girl I knew few years ago went missing recently and I saw a post about it in a telegram channel of one of my favorite artists yesterday, and literally all of my neighbours are so fucking noisy that I have to wear noise cancelling headphones almost all the time so I won't get a terrible headache. There is so much life in my life right now. Being alive finally feels cool. Not great, again. the overall situation is pretty rough, but I feel content and I wake up in the morning willing to do something nice and fun.